Well, here we are folks. Over three weeks into having three kids in our family. Zone defense is a common term we’ve been hearing, and we are also asked quite often how the adjustment is going, so here it is: a summary from both of us – Mama and Daddy Boettcher – on our transition from two to three kids.
In case you need the info: Maven is 3, Sylvie is 2 and Rush is brand spankin new. ☺️
Related: Welcome to the World, Rush Robert Boettcher
And now for the details…
We, of course, are so in love with our little family, so we want to highlight the BEST part(s) of adding a third baby to our squad first.
M: To begin, the exciting part about this third baby was the fact we did not find out the gender! So it was very fun and exciting to find out he was a boy upon delivery. I think with every child, you are just humbled and realize over again how each child is a miracle. And I didn’t realize how much more love I could give Rush, when I already love Maven and Sylvie so much. It has also been extremely fun to watch the girls take care of their little brother. They are always so excited to help and it’s very cute (although also a challenge at times to tame their expectations of changing diapers and carrying him around). ?
L: The LOVE. For sure and hands down, the love that has just exploded because of adding another little person to our family is the absolute best part. Even last night, when I was putting Maven to bed + nursing Rush while I was laying with her (#breastfeedinglife), Maven just kept saying how much she loved Rush and “Isn’t he so adorable? He’s so handsome, mom!” We all feel it. Just how great it is.
And, we want to keep it real here, so of course we’re going to share the most challenging part(s), too. It has NOT been all sunshine and roses.
M: We are officially outnumbered! I think the most challenging part has just been how we all are adjusting to life with three. Maven and Sylvie at times are jealous and want their mama, all while Lisa is feeding Rush or taking care of him. As I mentioned earlier – it is really cute how Maven and Sylvie want to help with Rush (diaper changes, holding him, playing with him), but at times it leads to chaos when they get upset that they can’t help as much as they think they can, or when they both want to hold Rush at the same time, or when Maven really wants to give Rush a bottle. Nighttime is also a challenge some (most) nights, as Lisa is often feeding Rush around the time the girls go to bed – and both girls want mama to put them to bed. Lastly, I will make a disclaimer that Lisa has changed a majority of Rush’s diapers as she often changes him during or after feeds. But diaper changes are much, much harder with Rush than with the girls! Haha… I’ve avoided pee in the face so far – we’ll see how long that lasts.
L: The dividing of my time and attention at this point is extremely challenging. I think it’s the nature of the newborn phase, especially from a breastfeeding mother. I am feeding Rush on demand and have had days on end of cluster feeding (only 1-2 hours between feeds), which results in me literally being unavailable for much of what the girls want me for. Of course we’ve come up with creative ways for me to sit with, hold, play with, etc. the girls while I’m nursing, but, it’s just not the same. I don’t love that I can’t always be there for Maven and Sylvie when they’re crying for me and do feel bad when everyone wants me at once. There’s only so much of me to go around, but my heart wishes I could be everywhere at once! Honestly, another major challenge for me right now in this very early stage of transitioning our family, is the fact that I have very little time to myself. It’s hard to be the best mom and wife if I’m never able to take care of myself completely or get a little bit of a reset. I’ve been prioritizing fresh air and walks for exercise, both of which have felt great. I think especially with such a lack of sleep, getting a little bit of “me time” is so important – or else I may always lose my cool, lack patience and just not be the woman I want to be. I’ll be completely transparent here: there have been tears on more than several occasions due to these challenges.
We’ve been asked a lot about the age differences between our children. Maven + Sylvie are 18 months apart and Sylvie + Rush are 24 months apart. Here’s what we’ve noticed in those gaps:
M: With the age different between Sylvie and Rush being a bit longer than Maven/Sylvie, I think it helped because we were able to get Sylvie potty trained prior to Rush arriving. With Maven, we hadn’t potty trained her quite yet as she was still a bit young when Sylvie was born. So getting Sylvie out of diapers prior to Rush’s arrival was great.
Also, Maven was definitely interested in Sylvie and wanted to help with her when Sylvie was born. But she was also younger at that point than Sylvie is with Rush, and I think Maven didn’t want to do AS much as Sylvie wants to do now because of that age difference. So, it’s hard to tell if Sylvie’s stronger interest in wanting to help with Rush is due to her being a few months older than where Maven was, or due to Sylvie learning from Maven all the things they can do to help with Rush. Again, it is super cute to see the girls wanting to help with Rush, but Sylvie is also pretty young and doesn’t understand quite yet the things she can/can’t do with him, and gets frustrated at times when we have to tell her no.
L: I distinctly remember a conversation I had with Mark when Sylvie was 18 months old and we both said, wow, can you imagine having another baby RIGHT NOW? We talked about how it was going to be so great to have a little extra time between babies and maybe even foolishly thought it was going to be a bit easier. Well, I have to say, there are pros and cons to both the 18 month and 24 month age gaps. The 18 month age gap was challenging because Maven still needed so much attention and help and was still so young. The 24 month age gap has been challenging because it comes with a lot more independence and strong will, so it’s not quite as easy to get Sylvie to just go with the flow sometimes. As Mark mentioned, she wants to help SO much + sometimes that wants becomes a demand. Plus, she can understand much more than Maven could at 18 months that MY time and attention as her mama is divided and that has been communicated in lots of tears. In retrospect, 18 months different had some perks: less of an awareness and more of a go with the flow phase. And now, at 24 months Sylvie can do some things for herself + is potty trained! I’m sure that there are both positives and negatives to any age gaps between children. We are just embracing those differences over here. ?
Also, I should totally note that this is going to be specific to each child and family and personalities. Also REALLY hard with our transition with Maven to Sylvie was the fact that Sylvie was a VERY colicky baby. Each transition has it’s ups and downs, that’s for sure.
Related: The End of An Era (Infant Colic)
We have a few strategies we’ve implemented to ease some chaos. These are entirely necessary, because boy has there been chaos.
M: Definitely setting a routine with the girls and keeping them busy. The initial few days were fairly chaotic between the girls wanting to be around Rush and having slight jealously for Lisa’s attention when she needed to take care of Rush and couldn’t lift or carry them much. However, we recognized a big difference once we got them back into their school and weekly routine. Getting them out of the house to run errands, or to go to the park for a nature walk, etc. are good strategies. We’ve been lucky with some decent weather in WI for November/December, which allows us to bundle up and get outside for fresh air.
We were also blessed with many friends and family dropping off meals for us. This was a huge help in the first few weeks as it was one less thing Lisa or I had to think about. I highly suggest that if you’re adding a third baby, you maybe do some meal planning ahead of time, and try to make some meals and freeze them in advance.
L: I completely agree with what Mark said – getting back into routine and getting OUT of the house. Both are so helpful! The first few days home after having Rush were really hard. We were also home the entire weekend together with this brand new baby and didn’t leave to do anything. Once Monday came around and we left the house + got back into the swing of things was exactly when we noticed a difference in how the girls were adjusting. I think there are also other times of day that require chaos easing strategies:
- During breastfeeding/pumping: Sometimes I play games with the girls such as Simon Says, or let them jump around and play in Rush’s nursery if I’m feeding him there. Sometimes it’s coloring with them while I nurse and other times it’s turning the television on. Keeping them active + engaged (if they want to be) makes it feel like less of a “we’re waiting on mom” activity and more of a natural part of our day.
- Meal time: Trying to still sit down together to eat has been a great way to keep some normalcy in the transition. Whether I’m holding Rush because he’s fussy or feeding him (seriously, feels like I am always doing so these days) while we all sit down together doesn’t really matter to me. What matters is we can still sit and eat and talk.
- Adding in activities: We’ve tried to add in special errands, a trip to the zoo, going out to lunch… small things to keep the girls excited and having additional things to look forward to. It’s been helpful to have some of these activities to use as incentives!
Our Outlook:
M: I am fortunate to have over 6 weeks of paid paternity leave from a fairly busy and often stressful job. It is a blessing. I’ve transitioned from my go-go-go work life, to slowing things down and enjoying my time with the girls and Rush. I’m used to trying to plan my days and jam as much in as I can, and now just let days happen as they happen and enjoy quality time with our family.
With this mindset of just ‘slowing down’, I’ve had a sense of patience come over me. Having two beautiful, yet strong-willed toddler girls can somedays be a bit of a challenge, but I’ve found myself being more patient with them…and allowing them space to do more things with me.
For example, I can make myself a cup of coffee easily in a few minutes. Every morning when the girls see me get the coffee out, they both want to help. In my mind I’m thinking, they will likely fight over who gets to scoop the coffee out, coffee grounds will likely get spilled all over the counter and floor, I’ll get double the amount of cream in the coffee from the girls over pouring, and the process will take at least twice as long. But, I’ve tried to embrace this time by enjoying the help and realizing how happy it makes them, even if it means it takes twice as long and I have to clean up spilled coffee grounds off the counter and floor. (Same thing goes for pancake batter – can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to clean up pancake batter off the floor.) J
So my mindset lately has been to enjoy these moments with the girls as much as I can, and to slow down my pace. The feeling I have of extra patience has really been helpful and made a difference during the transition.
L: I am so, so, so incredibly thankful to have Mark home with us during this transition. The girls both go to preschool and are involved in several activities throughout the week, so having him available to do most of the drop off and pick up has been amazing. My outlook for the rest of his leave is to embrace this time we have been granted to all be together as a family and to have his extra helping hands around much more than when he is working!
Looking ahead, we have SO many great things in front of us – our first Christmas as a family of five is just around the corner! We want to continue having a loving, adventurous life together and it feels like now that Rush is here, it’s only just beginning once again. I see lots of living room dance parties, lots of trips to the zoo, lots of Costco sampling, lots of play dates and so much more. Overall, when I look to the future, I see so much happiness.
And, finally, the question so many people are wondering – is our family now complete?
M: Lisa and I talked about this recently on one of our nature walks as a family, which has been one of our favorite family activities. There is a part of me feels that 3 could be complete for having our own kids, though I definitely have a sense of calling for us to consider adoption for possible a 4th. But, then again, I am open to possibly having another baby of our own. There are definitely days where I feel defeated and exhausted as we’ve transitioned, and think to myself, I can’t imagine having a 4th right now. HA! But, there are other moments where the idea of having a larger family is certainly appealing.
L: I will forever be a baby person. Seriously, I give birth to a baby and immediately want 10 more because well, birth is beautiful and gives me this overwhelming sense of love + gosh, babies are just so perfect! Okay, that doesn’t mean we are going to have 10 more or anything ? but I do think we will continue to consider adding another to our family. We were SO blessed to have such an uneventful high risk pregnancy this time around and were again blessed with a healthy child + delivery, so part of me feels like my body did well this time around. But, would it again? Mark and I have always had part of our hearts that have wanted to explore fostering or adoption, and so we will have to pray about each of the paths that could be before us to bring another baby to our family. Somehow, we know we will get the answer we need.
I personally would have to say that adding the third baby to our family has been much more challenging than adding our second (and I just asked Mark now as I’m typing this – he totally agrees!), but it’s been a crazy, beautiful transition. We feel blessed to have a happy, healthy family + remind ourselves of that during those tough parenting moments.
Full hands, full hearts, full house, full of JOY over here — And we wouldn’t change a thing!
XO,
Lisa & Mark
Credits ❤️
Photos: We absolutely love our new and fresh family of five photos by Jenna Leroy Photography.
Sweaters: Maven and Sylvie’s sweaters are from @shopholigrace and are hand dyed. They are absolutely perfect!