Pregnancy is miraculous. It’s such an amazing experience to carry a child and protect them, all the while each and every cell of that little tiny being forms and networks and builds to create a beautiful baby inside. I’m in awe of how magnificent this process is. I consider myself blessed having been able to conceive and carry two of my own children thus far.
Pregnancy
For whatever reason, morning sickness wasn’t quite as bad with my second pregnancy. A likely reason is that I had Maven, a one-year-old, to keep up with and not much time to think about how I was feeling. Her demands pretty much forced me to just keep pushing on even when I felt like throwing up or passing out from exhaustion. It was lovely. ?Because I had pregnancy complications and an early delivery with my first baby, it was in my pregnancy care plan to start receiving 17P injections from weeks 14-34 of gestation as this is a studied treatment help prevention premature birth and address some of the challenges I experienced related to cervical incompetence. During my second trimester, I was in and out of doctor appointments and ultrasounds to ensure that everything was going okay with our sweet little babe. She was staying cozy and growing according to schedule, thankfully, but I wasn’t feeling the greatest and had terrible back pain. But hey, that’s pregnancy right?
At 21 weeks, I went in for my weekly routine ultrasound. I was being monitored closely based on my history and my cervical measurements to-date, so this was my particular schedule of monitoring, not routine for a healthy pregnancy. It was at this appointment that I found out I was contracting regularly, as in 5 contractions within 30 minutes. I was admitted to the hospital immediately and basically entered panic mode. I couldn’t fathom going into labor at 21 weeks pregnant because — I couldn’t let my mind go there.
Once admitted, it was determined that I was there to stay in the hospital for a while. I cried. I was an emotional wreck, but Mark and I both knew that it was the best place for me to be. I needed the care, the monitoring, the safety if our little babe was born too early and surely would not be able to continue on the level of prescribed bed rest at home with a 16 month old who needed her momma. I stayed in the hospital until I was 28 weeks pregnant when it was determined that I was in a “safer zone” to leave the hospital resources. I was no longer having regular contractions or making any significant labor progress so we all felt comfortable with my discharge. Hospital bed rest was one of the most challenging times of my life, not being with my husband and daughter, though they visited me daily. I could say so much about that hospital stay, but it would take far too long. I am just grateful for the family and friends who supported me, visited me and prayed for me and was so appreciative of the nurses and physicians who truly did what was best for the outcome of our child. Not to mention, some of those nurses became such great friends!
Leaving the hospital at 28 weeks still pregnant was a call for celebration! Being in my own bed was like heaven. I was able to resume some limited activity, but was restricted and needed to rest as much as possible. The goal at this point was to make it until 34 weeks when our little love would have a much better opportunity for a healthy birth outcome. I kind of feel like that next 6 weeks were a blur. I tried to take it in two week increments to not get overwhelmed. It was a challenge to uphold the prescription of limited activity because I was home with Maven who wanted to be held or carried or really just do normal activities with her momma. She didn’t understand. It was hard to watch others step in and take over on some mothering duties I wasn’t able to perform, but I am so grateful for the support Mark and our family gave me {and us} during that time. They all allowed me to be the best mom I could be for Maven despite the challenges we were enduring and also allowing me to focus on adding a healthy new baby to our little squad.
During my pregnancy, how I was going to give birth was never really on my mind. My main thought for nearly 15 weeks was “keep this baby inside”, surely I wasn’t dreaming of how I was going to manage child birth for the second time. And, because I would go into pre-term labor only to have it stop again, or because I experienced labor progress and dilation over an extended period of time, I was never convinced this birth was going to happen quickly. This pregnancy, the challenges and rest {for someone who does not do well sitting still} were so hard on me. It left me constantly focused on the pregnancy, not the labor. It all was a mix of emotions and even though I was ready for it to end, I so desperately prayed that we could have a healthy baby.
The Birth Process
On Wednesday, October 28 of last year, I remember so clearly putting Maven down for her afternoon nap and being exhausted myself, so I decided to nap too. I woke up after about an hour, Maven still sleeping, and just didn’t feel great. I was having a few contractions, but hadn’t gotten used to timing them because this was an on and off occurrence for weeks. I glanced at the clock every now and then and estimated contractions every 20 minutes or so. I got up and was pacing around waiting for Maven to wake. I had this very strong urge to go to the mall to get a few things that I had on my to-do before baby list because they just couldn’t wait any longer. I was rationalizing in my head that I had made it to 35 weeks and surely I could push Maven in the stroller and run in the mall quickly, especially if I found a close parking space. {I guess I should have recognized this madness as a clue.}
Maven woke up around 3:00p and we had a little snack while watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I couldn’t fight the urge any longer so I packed her up and put her in the car to go to the mall. I was trying to ignore the clock because my contractions weren’t that painful, but I was surely uncomfortable. I told myself, I’ve been through this before. Contractions start and stay for a while and then they stop. Just keep going.
We arrived at the mall and I was in luck to find a great parking space. I unbuckled Maven, plopped her in the stroller and wheeled her off to the store. I remember having to stop and stand in the store a few times because I was in pain, but nevertheless, I needed to get those few things before baby. Labor wasn’t on my mind.
Maven became restless while I was picking out what I needed, so I let her come out of the stroller just before I was ready to check out. When we got to the register I had to reign Maven in and that was taking so much of my energy. The woman was taking far too long to ring up my items. It probably took about 15 minutes to check out and I know for sure I had two major contractions while I was standing there. I was trying to not let her see the pain I was in, trying to hold on to Maven and just wanted her to hurry up so I could leave. My patience was wearing out. I managed to get out of the store and then put Maven down and stopped in an open area. I called Mark in the middle of the mall and confessed to him what I had been up to. I told him I needed to call my OB and would likely need to go in to be seen based on how I was feeling, so I asked if he could meet me at home to stay with Maven. He agreed and said he would pack up shortly. Getting Maven out of the mall, through the parking lot and into her car seat was quite an experience. I was contracting regularly and had this sense of irritability come over me. Labor still wasn’t on my mind. I called my OB office from the car and because it was closing shortly, they told me to go into labor and delivery to be seen. I called Mark again from the car and said he needed to speed up his getting home process.
I arrived home and frantically tried to pack a bag with a few things “in case” they would make me stay. Mark came home and knew something was different. He told me to just leave and go and he would bring me a bag of my things later if I needed them. And then I left. I drove myself to the hospital. The clock in the car was driving me crazy. It was at that point that I was wincing in pain, breathing through contractions and glancing down to recognize that they were only three minutes apart. Mark called me on my drive because like I said, he knew what was going on. He was panicking because we didn’t have anywhere to take Maven other than my sister’s house which was in the opposite direction of the hospital. He wanted to come as quickly as possible to meet me, so he packed Maven up and raced in the opposite direction of where he ultimately needed to be.
I arrived to the Emergency Department about 6:15p where I was told to go to get up to labor and delivery. I wanted to valet my car because I was in so.much.pain. and couldn’t fathom trying to park far away and walk in. I was feeling entirely anxious. I got out and the valet told me if I had an appointment I needed to park in the structure myself, to which I replied “I am in labor.” I guess it’s not every day a woman drives herself to the hospital to valet her own car before delivering a baby.
They were expecting me so a nice young man was there to transport me through the hospital in a wheel chair. He was SO slow. He was talking to me about his plans that night and what he was going to do over the weekend. I tried to be pleasant, but I was having so many contractions. I didn’t have the heart to tell him to speed up, or to tell him how much pain I was in, but I started to get worried. My anxiety rose as I finally arrived in L&D. He dropped me off in a triage room and the woman at the front desk told me a nurse would be right in. I immediately had to use the bathroom. I thought I was going to be sick and really had to sit to use the bathroom but had a moment of panic that I didn’t want my little baby to come out yet. A nurse stepped in, gave me a strange look as I told her I really didn’t feel well and had to use the bathroom. She then said, “I’m going to just get a doctor to check you right away.”
I was so relieved that my OB met me in L&D. Since I had called his office at the very end of the day, they paged him and he was thankfully close by. He actually arrived before I did. He came into the triage room, checked my cervix and reported I was 7 cm dilated. I couldn’t think straight. I knew that meant she was coming – soon. It was a whirlwind of letting Mark know what was going on, getting into a delivery room and laboring with a nurse who thought she was just going to triage me and pass me off to another nurse because her shift had ended. She was so sweet. She kept telling me I was doing a great job and not to worry. I kept telling her I didn’t want to have my baby without my husband there. She held my hand through contractions and told me it was going to be okay. Laboring was a mix of expressing my worries to her, a mix of breathing and wincing through contractions and calling/texting Mark to see where he was. My mind was all over the place. I wasn’t ready for this labor and I wasn’t expecting it. I played mind games due to the preterm labor telling myself I would end up going over due after all I had been through. I couldn’t even think through what I wanted my birthing experience to be other than comfortable after all the pain and complications I had endured during pregnancy — and of course to have a healthy outcome.
I requested an epidural. The anesthesiologist took forever to arrive. My contractions were so close together at this point it wasn’t easy for us to even try to place the epidural, but I was convinced I was going to let him try and that I was going to hold this baby in. Mark still wasn’t there. He was stuck in traffic. It took two painful placements to get the epidural in and it still wasn’t working properly, or really at all. It was aching in my back and I had pain down my right leg + the contractions. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t even think about how happy we would be to have our little baby in our arms. All I could think about was having a baby without my husband by my side and worrying whether or not she would be healthy. I was going to have this baby five weeks early. I didn’t want NICU to have to take her. I could feel how much I was progressing and when I was checked again I was fully dilated.
Mark ran through the door at 7:05p and just in time. He was shaking, worked up and wasn’t prepared to see me in pain — or for this delivery. I was relieved to have him there. I was also relieved that sweet nurse was still holding my hand on the other side. When it was time to push, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I honestly knew I had been holding this baby in and had been trying to resist everything that was pulling her down for the past hour, so I didn’t know exactly where she was at or how long it would take to push her out. With the mix of pain and emotions, I worked my hardest through only two contractions and then out into this world came our beautiful baby girl, Sylvie Savannah, at 7:15p. She had a little cry out and it must have been all any physician needed to know she was okay because the NICU team was immediately dismissed. I sighed the greatest relief and cried tears of joy as they placed that sweet little girl on my chest. Mark and I looked at one another in awe. In awe that she was here and healthy, and in awe of how it all happened. We were both shaking and kept saying we can’t believe she’s here and that he almost missed it. I was in mommy-heaven with my beautiful, healthy baby, not even worrying at all about the fact that my labor was quite stressful.
Of course looking back I could say I wish things would have gone differently during my labor. I could have chosen a natural birth. I could have spent less time worrying and more time focusing on staying calm and collected during contractions. I could have done a lot of things. Somehow I did what I needed to, even in the midst of the stress. And that is amazing! It’s so amazing what a mother’s body can do. Not only was I proud of my body, I was focused on the most important thing to me and that was a healthy birth outcome. I had spent months not wanting our little babe to come out. I didn’t set the expectation or plan of her birth and that is okay. I’ve read so many beautiful birth stories of how the mother had it planned out, how she specifically chose natural options, or even how she chose what she wanted to manage her pain with or without, and I just have to say – that was not me. My experience with pregnancy was one that wasn’t focused on the birth, it was focused on the gestation. I didn’t have an exact birth plan and that was okay for me. It’s okay that I was worried and scared. It’s okay that I didn’t know how I was going to handle it all. It all happened when I wasn’t anticipating it would.
As mothers, we can put pressure on ourselves to have everything be perfect from the very beginning. Maybe that means you want your birth plan to go exactly as you’ve envisioned it, maybe that’s an expectation of how breastfeeding will go for you, how your child’s temperament will be, or how your life will be or not be after baby. None of that perfection exists. What does exist is your experience and your story. And that is all beautiful, no matter how imperfect it is.
I can’t even believe this story was our reality one year ago today. Sylvie has blessed us in so, so, so many ways. She has the most beautiful blue eyes and sandy blonde hair. Her favorite word is mama. She loves to snack, dance and play with her big sister. She changed her mind about weaning and enjoys waking me up in the night to remind me. We love her to pieces and are so excited to celebrate O-N-E with her.
Happy, happy birthday to my sweetest Sylvie. I love you so, so much. You came into this world exactly how you were supposed to. ❤️