I’m sitting here with a blank page and a blinking curser staring back at me. I need to decompress a bit, am in need of an outlet, but where to start, where to start…

The Summer of Less. The thing is, we’ve actually been doing a really good job at executing this. We’ve outsourced tasks, said no to invitations during times that are already too full to fit anything else and set aside time to just relax as a family. Some of those set aside days and weekends have been the absolute best. The thing is though, my actions might scream summer of less but my mind would get a failing grade at execution.

I’m really good at doing the things we set out in our summer intentions because:

a) I like to be good at things;
b) I’ve made it more of a list of what we can reduce to make room for more, so easy to check off + accomplish (list lover here!); and
c) because I know it will help us operate better as a family.

What I’m not really good at is shutting off my mind. It’s spinning really. I’m a chronic over-thinker, and that is kind of playing to my detriment these days.

If I’m going to take a deep breath and let it out, this is how I would paint the picture:

Maven is going into 4K this fall. That means she is actually old enough to go to school. I’m going to say that again: She is now old enough to go to school. The anticipation of this big change for her is exciting and scary all at once. Her highly emotional self and rising anxiety level keep us cautious as parents as to how this change will present itself and what it will do to our rhythms. Maven is so smart. She’s growing and thoughtful and lovely and all the amazing things I could ever want in a daughter. She also has us at our wits ends as we endure + navigate parenting challenges while we raise a highly emotional, strong willed and empathic child.

Sylvie is still only 2. I have to remind myself of that sometimes because some days she seems so grown up to me and other days she cries for her mama – because what little child doesn’t cry for their mama? I went back to work only part-time after having Sylvie and left my “day job” shortly after she turned 1. That means most likely, her recollection is of me being with her nearly a l l of the time. This summer in particular has been challenging. I’ve been working outside of our home more because I’m not only working more than I previously was, but also because I’m working on improving in the area of making work time, work time + home time, home time. I want to be more present and focused and giving myself completely to things rather than feeling divided constantly. To Sylvie though, not only am I working and away from her more during the week, but I’ve been traveling often, too. Even if I’m more present when I’m with her, she needs me and misses me. And I need her and miss her too.

Rush. Holy cats he is almost 9 months old. And cue my tears while typing. How he is growing up so fast is beyond me. I’m so thankful to still be breastfeeding, even through the challenges of working, pumping and traveling + all the milk coordination, because to me, that keeps our mama-baby bond strong. But some days, I blink and see an image of him grown up and wonder if I’m savoring our sweet young, innocent moments and big eye stares together enough.

Mark. Well, he is so amazing. Our lives are literally wild between work, schedules, travel, laundry, parenting, running out of toilet paper and other household essentials, our getaway to Vail and desire to have more time together, and rightly so — he’s exhausted. He’s exhausted and also stretched thin, and he’s also steady in his role as a husband and father. He also totally deals with my crazy mind as I throw out new ideas to move to a house that is more remote with more acreage and a total fixer upper project and text him “I am so anxious. Help!” all in the same day.

Me? I’m working near full time for pumpspotting. I’m still working diligently on launching my business, which has proven to be a far lengthier and more complicated process than I dreamed it would be. It keeps me up late at night and my finger always has a pulse on something going on with business development. I’m also keeping up with amazing collaboration opportunities + sharing my story over on Instagram. And, I’m feeling a bit guilty that I’ve neglected this outlet for a while.

It feels good to write here. Putting words down and using this as a form of expression is therapeutic to me. It also feels a bit stressful at times. It feels stressful because I look at this space and see imperfection. I see areas to improve on photography, ways I want to change the layout, question things that I’ve posted or think to myself ‘if I just put in x hours a day and used x strategy, I could further my reach.’ I start thinking of topics in my head and stringing together  words and paragraphs in my mind + just get a road block in front of myself in terms of actually typing them out and publishing. The overthinking is a struggle.

After committing to myself this spring to moving my writing forward, I did the unthinkable (who breaks their own goal just a month after they made it??) This summer, I let myself take a step back. As I evaluated the value of my time, where my priorities stand and simply what makes my heart the happiest, I needed to. My family will always come first and I was spending too much time overthinking, too much time writing, re-writing and editing, too much time on content creation that the value wasn’t being returned to me and quite honestly, I didn’t have the time to spend on things that weren’t providing value to my life. The time I was sparing for it all was much better spent with my kids — loving on them + teaching them the values of life, with my husband – nurturing the foundation we have together and in faith – ensuring I’m always seeking Him first.

As I sort this in my overflowing mind and type a few of these things out, I’m feeling a reflection list: (It’s okay to laugh at that, by the way. List form is just something that comes naturally to me.)

• Anxiety is so real. We need to address that it is a real and vulnerable thing. We can know that worry is a waste of time and still feel it. We need to seek outlets such as prayer, yoga, counseling, fresh air, sleep and alone time to lessen the burden that anxiety can be.
• Time can be constantly re-evaluated. One month I commit to myself one thing and the next month it had to change based on time. Things, ideas, projects, you name it, they can all resurface at different times in our lives when they fit the best. Let’s not pressure ourselves to do something that causes us more pressure, takes away precious time that we don’t have to give, and doesn’t have a value on a priority list.
• Faith and family first. Always.

I’m recognizing now after writing some of this out and ending up in a puddle of tears that this space was not neglected for the better part of the summer. It was being nurtured by letting me take time to nourish myself and my family. I’ve always wanted to show up here in a real, honest and vulnerable way and I’m going to stay true to that.

It certainly isn’t going to be perfect and I’m certainly going to work on not seeing this space as an imperfection breeding ground.

I’m going to continue to use this as an opportunity to share life with others. And by doing so, I hope you read, hear, know and understand full well that you not the only mama struggling with an overflowing mind. That you can recognize that you are not alone when you are having imperfect days and crazy thoughts to uproot your family and move (oh wait, only me?) and certainly not the only one enduring the hard + tiring role of raising children.

Motherhood has a big way of bringing us all together. It may not look the same for everyone. You may not be living a Summer of Less, or maybe you need to try? Your mind might be quiet and content as mine is racing. My hard day might be your best day. Your best day might fall on a day that I want to pull my hair out. Wherever this message is found, whether on the same vibe of a day or not, there is so much common ground. And in that common ground, I’m hoping we can all set aside some space in our minds to see the value of where our time is best spent and always see the many blessings before us.

 

In this together, tears and all…

XO