I recently read a blog post by Little Miss Fearless entitled “It’s Okay To Not Be Okay” and am feeling really inspired to share some of my own reflections on her piece because it was so relatable and timely for me.

A few things struck me right away after reading –
(1) That my pastor has given sermons on this very topic;
(2) That my friend Amy shared Amanda’s (LMF) blog post since it touched her, even though she doesn’t have the same perfectionist tendencies;
and 3. That I am SO thankful for Amanda being vulnerable enough to share her honest life and thoughts with other women so they may not let the power of an idea destroy them.

I want every girl out there who has also experienced the confusing and demanding idea of perfection to know that she’s not alone and that she is strong enough to know the difference between what’s real and what is not real. I want the people I connect with through pictures and social media to know that I am a real girl with some wonderful strengths and lots of weaknesses, and I’m okay with that.

-Little Miss Fearless

I remember agreeing so much to my pastor as he spoke on this topic of not being okay. I remember seeking God further as I leaned into the parts of me that were not okay at that time. (See here to listen to messages from my church!)

I felt so encouraged that Amy shared Amanda’s post because she knows and understands there are differences in women + believes in serving everyone to raise us ALL up.

I had a tearful moment when I read Amanda’s post. It’s okay to not be okay. I am one of those real girls with some wonderful strengths and a lot of weaknesses that she talks about. And, I’m learning to be okay with that too.

Reflection

While I always strive to spread love and seek joy, I also always try to share the most honest depiction of my life (even if that is sometimes through pretty pictures). I’m not afraid to say that I had a day where I didn’t have my proudest mama moments. I’m not shy about sharing areas of my life that could use improvement, and I’ve even had the courage to open up in this public space about some of the most difficult times in my life. (As in here and here.)  I truly believe that if I give encouragement or hope, or shine a light for ONE other woman to see as I share my honesty, that it’s all worth it.

But I’m feeling inspired now to go deeper and hopefully reach farther. There’s more realness behind it all. And I think genuinely showing + sharing that will allow me to better serve others.

I am a perfectionist at heart. I’m indecisive and sensitive. I continuously seek self-improvement to be a little more laid back and to have a lot more positive of a mindset than I naturally find myself with. I like to have control + I have anxious tendencies. I can get caught up in the numbers (See: BTS of Blogging) and I can scroll Instagram only to see other women’s strengths and beauty while I’m basking in my own weaknesses. I can let one negative thought multiply all too quickly.

I’m not perfect. I have many weaknesses and some strengths.  

There are parts of me that aren’t okay right now.

I found my thoughts becoming irrational lately. I was thinking about one negative thing and went down the rabbit hole of multiple. I could separate my mind from the thoughts and KNEW they weren’t right, though I didn’t notice they were wrong at first. Now, I’ve made the difficult realization that I cannot stop them sometimes.

Truthfully, it started so small that I didn’t even label it. I just thought I’m a little more my anxious self than usual and sleeping poorly, but I can manage it. After all, I do have a lot going on right now. As the intensity of the thoughts grew literally over just a few days, I pinpointed what the source of the feelings were. Anxiousness. As Amanda labeled some of it – the demanding idea of perfection + ideas that are based on false perceptions + the downward spiraling of negative self talk. I put a call into my OB regarding postpartum anxiety + I will be working through this challenge in the days, weeks and months to come.

Do I have apprehension based on the label of PPA? Yes. Did I feel a twinge of shame when I recognized what it was, especially because I’m one who tries so hard to be positive and seek joy? Yes. Did I jump to write it here? No. But after reading Amanda’s post + reminding myself that I know firsthand by sharing vulnerabilities we will all help one another, I decided to write. I am committed to using this platform genuinely to share life, spread love + encouragement and always seek the joy in it all. Even if it’s not joyful news to share.

 

Where ever this post meets you today, I hope you find truth and power in this phrase: it’s okay to not be okay.

May I find His strength in my weakness + encourage you to embrace yours and do the same.

 

XO