It is a true pleasure to introduce to you today a woman of great courage, Jessica. She embodies so much of my intention for 2017 – particularly numbers 4 & 5 – that it seems like such an opportune time to become the platform for sharing her story. Jessica is one beautiful, amazing and courageous woman and I am blessed to know her. I am in awe of how brave and determined she is and just know that she is capable of and destined to do great things in this lifetime. She’s the kind of woman every one of us needs in her tribe. Because my words just simply won’t do her story justice, I am turning it over to her:
I was born and raised in Pewaukee, WI by both of my parents who still live in the same house that I grew up in. When my husband, Andy, and I found out we were expecting, we were currently living in an apartment and knew we wanted to bring a baby into a home s(he) could grow up in, not an apartment. Both of us were raised in the same house that we came home to as infants, so we felt that it was important to try to find our forever home. Fast forward four months after the positive pregnancy test and we found ourselves landing in Pewaukee, in a great neighborhood filled with young families. It’s a great location not far from where either of us works – Andy as a Director at a manufacturing facility and me as a Supply Chain Specialist at a long-term care supply company. Our little boy, AJ, who is now 17 months old, loves playing with our little dog, Thor, a morkie.
The Beginning
I have been big pretty much my whole life. I can’t really remember a time when I wasn’t comparing myself to the skinnier girls or identifying myself as “the biggest girl in the class”. I distinctly remember looking back on a picture from my 8th grade graduation party and asking my mom “Do I really look that big?” This was my first, memorable realization that I was now the “big girl” that all those magazines talked about; the girl that would never be able to shop in the Juniors section at stores. The girl who would never wear a two piece bathing suit.
The Middle
Then came high school. I went to a Catholic grade school from grades K4 through 8th grade and then decided to go to Pewaukee High School. Let me tell you, though, the transition to a public high school from a parochial school as a girl at the young age of 14, complete with a plethora of body issues was no picnic.I entered the drama-ridden, hormone haven, groupie mania of high school and walked the halls with a face full of acne and a solid spare tire around the waist. Not to mention I thought slicked back hair and a seashell necklace made me a nomination for the next Glamour magazine cover. YIKES – more like the “What Not to Wear” TV show.
I got involved in volleyball which luckily gave me some activity and I was a part of the team until my Senior year of high school when a car accident left me with a shoulder injury and I couldn’t participate. Also playing a big part in my life during high school was yoyo dieting. Weight Watchers? Check. South Beach Diet? Check. Weight Watchers a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th time? Check, check, check and check. I lost weight, didn’t stick with it, and I gained back more weight with each failed attempt.
After high school, I went on to become a Warhawk at UW-Whitewater. I was able to avoid the “Freshman 15” that thanks to the lovely “mono” illness I had for the entire year. They don’t tell you that weight gain isn’t magically exclusive to freshman year. Or that WOP, beer, vodka, etc. really packs on the pounds too; as well as the discovery of the delicious pizza locale named “Toppers.” College was one of the best times of my life, but I graduated from college at a much heavier weight than when I entered. After college, I moved back in with my parents who graciously allowed me back. It might have been the fact that I could barely afford to live in a cardboard box on the street that made my Mom and Dad say, “Ok, fine,” but I pretend that it’s the fact that they missed me and I’m a really awesome daughter to have.
I got a full-time job in retail which kept me on my feet and also in front of a lot of food options that weren’t so healthy. The weight slowly crept on and before I knew it, I was closer to 250 pounds than 200 pounds. I made the decision that retail was no longer a career path that I wanted to explore and got myself a 9-5 desk job. At the same time, I also started dating my, now, husband. I tried to pretend I was a skinny girl on our first real date and all I ordered was a Caesar salad. I actually really wasn’t that hungry because I was so nervous, but I’m pretty sure I stopped at McDonald’s or Taco Bell afterwards to fulfill my physical hunger. The act was up after that – I couldn’t just eat a side Caesar salad if I was going to be real with this guy. Fast forward many restaurant dates, pizza delivery dates, fast food breakfast dates later, and it was July 6, 2013. Creeping up closer to 250 pounds, my boyfriend was down on one knee with a diamond ring in his hand asking me to marry him. Of course, I said “yes” and that meant he was stuck with me, ALL of my 250 pound ME, forever.
The Beginning of The End
I enjoyed every second of planning our amazing wedding. Of course, all planning was done over some sort of meal, ice cream, sugar-ridden coffee drink, or bacon-laden breakfast. Because who does anything without food? I picked out my wedding dress, the bridesmaids had theirs, the guys had the tuxes, the reception and church booked. Now we just had to wait. That waiting period got the best of me and my anxiety was through the roof. Naturally, I ate my feelings.
October 25 rolled around and as I stood in the bridal room, my dress got zipped up by my sisters – barely. I acutely remember thinking “this dress used to fit well and be comfortable” and every nightmare situation quickly raced through my head – the zipper popping as I went down the aisle, not being able to breathe and passing out during our vows, not being able to eat or drink anything for fear of ripping the seams. Not exactly how I had pictured feeling on my wedding day, but it was an amazing, beautiful day nonetheless.
Fast forward 10 months and another 40 pounds later, capping out at a whopping 297 pounds, our beautiful baby boy was born on July 17th 2015. My weight gain was not “all baby” – he was not 40 pounds, he was almost 8. Where did the other 32 pounds come from? After a crazy recovery, including one more hospital stay, 4 units of blood and a wound vac, I was down to 257 pounds at the end of August 2015. The process of losing all that weight was not ideal and was very scary, but I digress. Becoming a mom was so amazing and I enjoyed every second of my maternity leave with my cute baby boy. October 7, 2015 I returned to work full-time. In December, I ended up in the hospital again with my C-section scar becoming infected. After a week-long stay, I was discharged from the hospital at 280 pounds – 23 pounds heavier than I was 2 months prior.
At this time, postpartum depression also reared its ugly head despite my thinking that I had dodged this bullet. I was in a huge slump – work no longer interested me, my marriage no longer interested me, I was numb. I cried at the drop of a hat and would suddenly get irrationally angry – all on a daily basis. I was a mess. I hit rock bottom at the end of February 2016 when I took a trip to California for work. After getting on the plane, excited to go somewhere warm, I found that the seat belt barely fit and I had to suck it in to get it to click. I cured that depression with a pizza after I got checked into my hotel room. I came home from California on a plane with a tight seat belt and still dealing with heavy postpartum depression. March brought a vicious sinus infection that I eventually had to go to the doctor for to get antibiotics. The Nurse Practitioner, who was super nice, said “Please step on the scale so we can get your weight. I know this is nobody’s favorite part.” Then I saw it. 303. Three hundred and three pounds. What. This can’t be right. I mean I know my jeans were getting tight and that spare tire was rapidly becoming a flotation device for the Titanic, but this just can’t be true. But there it was. I was seeing my numerical rock bottom with my own two eyes; 303. I wanted to vomit right then and there. This was not only a shocking number, but it had a shocking meaning behind it that was completely life changing to me. This number means my husband could be a widower. My son could potentially be left to never remember or know his mother. My parents and siblings would have to bury their daughter/sister, which goes against the laws of nature. My. Son. Could. Be. Left. Without. A. Mother.
I also knew that this meant I had been trying to cure the postpartum depression “numbness” that I was feeling with food. The number on the scale was telling me that self-medicating with food to help aide my depression was no longer the solution. I decided to bring this up to my MD and after discussing many options, decided to go on an anti-depressant medication. I didn’t want to tell anyone that I was on this medication, and another one that I had been put on 5 years ago. I was taking two medications because of depression. But you know what? I have never felt better and I would highly recommend anyone suffering from any sort of depression talk to their doctor about options. I honestly wish I had done it sooner because that would have meant I started to feel better sooner. I could go on about how our society views depression and how that view is hurting, not helping, people who are suffering from this horrible disease, but that seems like a whole other blog post.
After I wiped the tears, stopped wallowing in self-pity, and was feeling better after taking my medicine, I decided to make a change. I was officially out of excuses. I had heard about Advocare and how successful people had been with it. I had been through every other fad diet out there, so why not try this one? I signed on to be a distributor, got my kit, ordered my 24-day challenge. I was ready. But I wanted company and had convinced a co-worker to take a risk and join me and she obliged. One month in we started going to the gym. One month in and I realized that Advocare was far from just another fab diet. It was assisting me in a huge life change. And I’ve never looked back.
I’ve started my life over, wiped the slate clean. I’m no longer relying on the crutch of “I can’t” and am instead telling myself, daily, that “I can” and “I will.” Why? Because I want to be able to chase after my son if he takes off into the street. I want to live to see him graduate college. I want to have a better recovery if we are blessed enough to give him a sibling (or three ?). The greatest advice given to me before starting this journey was “take it 2 hours at a time.” I believe this single piece of advice has allowed me to be successful. Instead of looking at how far I am from the end result I desire, I celebrate the small victories. I celebrate every inch and every pound that I get closer to my goal. I closed out 2016 50 pounds lighter, mentally stronger, emotionally healthier, and looking forward to continuing this progress in 2017.
So, that’s My Story. But it’s only just beginning.
I want to highlight a major takeaway from this that I feel is incredibly important: If you are feeling like you might be affected by any form of depression, PLEASE seek help from your physician and discuss your options. Today is never too late to start over – to be healthier, wiser, a better friend, a better lover, lift a heavier weight, or to lift the proverbial weight off of your shoulders by seeking help from a professional. And give my greatest advice: Take each day 2 hours at a time and focus on making mindful decisions.
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A sincere and heartfelt thank you to Jessica for sharing the beginning of her journey so broadly. Our hope is that it resonates with at least one person to make her happier and healthier, to make the most of her beautiful life. To follow more of Jessica’s journey, follow her on Instagram at @giving_up_the_quit. It’s such a great way to cheer her on! And, if you’re looking for a change in your life – lose weight, gain muscle, feel better everyday – check out Jessica’s Advocare site.
Wishing you all health and happiness this new year.
XO