Here we are, Wild-Hearted Wisdom Volume 4 with my friend Christina. I thankfully acquired my dear friendship with Christina through meeting my husband Mark. She quickly became one of those members of my tribe that I don’t know what I would do without. She serves the role of friend in the greatest capacity. We often talk about our kids, life, love, faith, happiness and can have fun all while doing so. Her family is like an extension of mine – oh do I love her kiddos! She and her husband are so great to us. They are those friends that are there for me when I bring two little children to a new church, with no childcare, all on my own (Mark was traveling for work). They did not hesitate to sit in the back pew with me and jump in to help with Maven while I soothed and nursed Sylvie during the service. And by help with Maven, I mean love on her and treat her as if she were their own. Christina is an RN at St. Luke’s Medical Center in the Outpatient Advanced Heart Failure and Transplant Clinics as a nurse coordinator.  But, that’s enough from me. I’ll let her take over from here:

C: I LOVE the patients that I take care of and the relationships that I have developed with the people I work with. I also enjoy being able to make an impact on my patients’ health. I work part time (two 10 hour days per week) and am home with my kiddos the rest. I am really close to my family, especially my parents and my brothers and sister in law.  We spend a lot of time together and they are a huge part of what makes me, me. After them, it’s “my girls”, the group of friends that I have had from the beginning of my life, high school, college and now beyond, people I met after college, through Ben or work.

L: Let us in on a little secret about yourself.

C: I LOVE sports…playing them, watching them, coaching them, teaching my kids about them…all of it!  And I am very competitive. ☺️ (L: Don’t take that last part as an understatement! ?)

 

L: I’ve asked Christina to specifically contribute her wisdom in the area of Motherhood on the topic of the strong-willed child. We have both been blessed with these little buggers (kidding!), I mean beautiful little beings. Because Christina’s oldest is about 9 months ahead of Maven, I have reached out to her with questions about the strong-will and sometimes just for moral support. It’s been helpful along the way, and I feel we support each other in this motherhood journey. She sometimes (okay, nearly all of the time) has it totally under control, so I felt she could tell it to you best.

C: Ah the strong-willed child. You love them, struggle with them, love them, teach them, love them, learn from them, and keep on loving them. God blessed me with my first one in my daughter Anne almost three years ago. Apparently the lessons in parenting a strong-willed child needed to continue for me as I was blessed again in a second strong willed child, my son William. They bring such joy to my life, my husband Ben’s life and also to the lives of our family and friends. Of course being a parent is not all sunshine and roses though, as we all know, and a strong-willed child can cause us to doubt what we are doing as parents as well as bring about frustration, tears, and anger. That being said, I am happy to share some of the things I have learned along this journey of parenting the strong willed child.

First things first: Expectations.

Expect imperfections. They are NOT perfect…and neither are you. Don’t expect perfection on either side. Children test their limits constantly and are always exploring the world around them. It’s how they learn and grow. However, we all know that sometimes they do this in the wrong way…throwing a fit when we tell them no, hitting when they don’t get their way, shouting ‘no’ at you, or other various ways they push our buttons. And then comes the intervention by the parent. Yes, intervene! Children actually love boundaries and limits. That’s how they know that you want them safe, they learn how to handle situations where they disagree or don’t get their way (a very important life skill right?!), and it’s another way you show how much you love them.  Like I stated, you are not perfect either and that’s ok. Sometimes as parents, we have been pushed to the limit and may not handle every situation perfectly. Thankfully, just as you forgive them and love them even when they misbehave, they forgive you and love you when you don’t handle the situation perfectly.

Resources

I read “The Strong Willed Child” by Dr. James Dobson.  Now, there is an older version (which my mother happened to read when I was little ?) and there is also one that he wrote more recently, as times have certainly changed from when most of us grew up. I read the older version and found so many things helpful in it. I will share my most important takeaway when I discuss discipline next. There are all kinds of articles, quick reads, and stories out there, and I think those can be really helpful resources, but my biggest and best resources (by far!) have been my husband, my mom, and my army of girlfriends who are living and breathing the trials of raising children every day with me.

Of course, my husband is in the trenches in our house with me every day and constantly lifts me up when I am discouraged and feel like I am ‘the worst mom in the world’ (and we all have those days), who takes over when I can’t do it sometimes, and who loves me even though I am far from perfect.

My mom says things like, ‘My mom told me when you were little that even though that strong will is hard now, think of how well it will serve her someday as she grows up into a young woman’ is so encouraging. She provides a reminder that you don’t want to burn the fire of that strong will out completely because there are such POSITIVE qualities to it, but to tame that fire so that our children can handle things the right way as they grow up. My mom is my best example of a mom who loves me no matter how many mistakes and wrong turns I may have made and whose loving discipline helped shape me into who I am today.

And lastly…the army.  Usually there is someone in your life…a sister, friend, co-worker, etc. who is living and breathing discipline, child-rearing, and maybe even a strong-willed child. TALK to them. They will probably help you and you in turn them. And, you will probably get some good laughs out of it too.  Sometimes I feel like as parents we like to post, share, and talk about all of the great and happy parts of being parents (which is great, don’t get me wrong), but we all know life isn’t like that and sometimes it is so helpful to feel like, ‘hey, she had a day just like mine,’ or ‘thank goodness someone else’s kid did that, maybe I’m not raising a hellion after all’.

Discipline Strategies

My party line on this is simple, I think: Every child is different. Every parent is different. There are so many different ways to handle a situation and go about disciplining. I don’t want to be judged for how I choose to discipline and I don’t want to judge how others do it. We are all doing the best we can and what we think is the best thing for our child(ren).

Strategy: Talk to whoever your partner is for discipline at home. Develop a plan for what discipline strategy you want to use: timeouts, taking something away, losing a privilege, a spanking, etc. Whatever it is, agree to it and stick with it. If you feel that it isn’t working and the behavior you are working on is not correcting itself or getting better, try a different strategy. As I mentioned earlier, I will share the most important takeaway I have from Dr. Dobson. He taught me this about discipline: You have to FOLLOW THROUGH on what you say the consequence is going to be or children will doubt you and are going to test you all the more.

We have tried a variety of different strategies and I can’t even necessarily say one thing has worked more than another. The most successful situations seem to have been when we calmly state what the consequence is going to be and following through if the wrong behavior continues. Remember, children crave boundaries and discipline, even though it seems like they fight you on it all the time.

Most Important: After the discipline has been carried out, pick them up, sit them on your lap, give them a hug and tell them you forgive them and love them still.  It’s the wrong action they did that you don’t like, not them and it’s important that they learn that distinction.  Always end in how much you love them.

Keep your cool.

I don’t all the time.  It is that imperfection thing again ? Sometimes I have apologized to my son or daughter for not keeping my cool and I think they learn from that too. When I get frustrated or mad, sometimes I have to make myself stop for a second and cool down before I go on.  Another thing that I remember Dr. Dobson saying in his book is: be cautious of disciplining when you, yourself are very worked up, mad, and at your wits end. It usually results in more frustration and perhaps not an effective discipline strategy. Counting to 10 sometimes works for me. It seems so silly but can be really effective and just allow me to take a few breaths before I continue. Getting down at the child’s eye level and making them stop what they are doing and hear what you say often results in a much calmer conversation than yelling at them across the room.

L: As I mentioned, Christina and I have both been blessed with strong-willed children. I may vent at times about the challenges of raising mine and have days where I’m at my wits end, but I resonate with the wisdom she has shared here. Set the right expectations, use and rely on your resources, consistently carry out your discipline strategies and focus on keeping your cool. I love my sweet, strong-willed Maven more than anything and am always working to be the best mother to her that I can possibly be. And, I always want her to know that I love her exactly the way she is. I’ve realized that she, as with any child, requires a certain type of boundary setting, discipline strategy and consequence to really shape her behavior. It takes a lot of time, effort, patience and love to raise these little loves of ours!

Because I think Christina and I could have SO much to say about this topic, I asked her to sum up a major takeaway for those who are in the same boat as us. She said:

Pick a discipline strategy, stick with it and follow through.  Always end with forgiveness of the wrong they did and how much you love them.

She is such a great mom, isn’t she? I love to know what other moms say advise-wise. Since I’ve received a ton of wisdom from Christina in the past couple years, I asked her to end with the best piece of mom advice ever received. She has two:

1. Never wake a sleeping baby, and
2. My pediatrician told me: Kids go through phases constantly as they are learning so much. For the most part, phases only last about two weeks or less, so always remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel. SO, whether it’s a rough time with sleeping, eating, or behavior, it won’t last forever ?

 

I can’t thank Christina enough for taking the time, thought and energy to contribute to this wisdom feature. If you have any questions at all, or if you are looking for someone to be a resource as you parent your strong-willed child, either of us will be here for you! I’m happy to share my experience and lend my support wherever possible. If you’re interested in Dr. Dobson’s book, here is the old version and the new version for purchase.

 

❤️

 

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